


And believe me when I tell you that the world is still spinning

by MarieITNO98



Category: SKAM (Italy)
Genre: BPD, Cuddling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-25 20:17:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18581824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarieITNO98/pseuds/MarieITNO98
Summary: When nothing seems to help Nico can always count on Marti





	And believe me when I tell you that the world is still spinning

**Author's Note:**

> Hi lovelies <3
> 
> this fic is a bit darker and deals with Nico's feelings.
> 
> Ps: English is not my mother tongue and Nico has a Golden Retriever named Lino
> 
> Hope you enjoy it :-)

The blanket felt heavy.  
It felt disgustingly heavy. The fabric absorbed with sweat and a stale odor.  
Yet, when his fingers curled around it to wrap it tighter over his head he felt safe.  
As if he was drawing a curtain close so darkness could envelope him.  
He felt gross.  
The grey shirt drenched in cold sweat. A few unidentifiable spots on the sleeves.  
Maybe it was spilled coffee, snot or dried tears, he couldn't tell anymore.  
When his alarm went off he had let it ring. The piercing sound not enough to muffle the voices in his head that were mocking him, laughing at him, yelling orders at him.  
Why are you so pathetic  
Look how gross you are  
Do you see the pile of old clothes in the corner over there. Do you wanna know how long it has been sitting there? Do you really want to walk around in those sweaters?  
Get out of bed  
Open the window  
Get out of bed  
Drink something  
Get out of bed  
The thought alone of having to get up to drink something made his legs so heavy, it felt as if someone was pushing them down. He knew he should wash his face, scrub the film of dirt and germs off his body. He knew his phone would stop buzzing when Martino realized he was not going to get a response. He would probably come by later today and somehow that made him more devastated than everything else.  
The thought of Marti seeing him like this.  
His stomach had stopped wrenching a while ago. Maybe it had accepted that it wouldn't get any food today. What would he even eat? There was nothing that sounded right at the moment and the kitchen was too far away, so why even bother.  
How long had the alarm clock been ringing? Two Minutes. Three hours. Who cared.  
All he could to do was lie here, in this hot cocoon of pity and slowly melt away.  
The voices kept mocking him until they were suddenly silent.  
Wiped away by darkness and emptiness.  
Was the alarm clock still ringing?  
He slowly pulled the blanket further over his head, so he didn`t have to stare at the ceiling anymore. The moist smell of old sheets didn`t made him rench in disgust anymore.  
He was long past that.  
The hours went by. Or were it minutes? Perhaps only seconds.  
Couldn't the time run faster.  
No, slower.  
Stop all together.  
Couldn't it all stop.

 

 

At first, he ignored the faint scratching noise that was slowly creeping inside his fogged brain.  
Leave me alone.  
Where was it coming from? Had the voices screamed themselves so sore they could only croak?  
Was it the alarm clock still running on the nearly spent batteries, reminding him there was a world outside this cave?  
The scratching stopped and the sound that followed was just enough to make him open his eyes again.  
Lino was whimpering. Then his paws were scratching the door again.  
And his heart couldn't take it. Through all the nothingness that was weighing him down, he managed to pull the blanket from his head.  
He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.  
His voice not even a whisper. The skin inside his throat too dry and raw after not having formed words for hours.  
"Lino?" he tried again.  
It was barely audible and he didn't have any energy left to be ashamed of the sound, but Lino barked loudly and pressed the doorhandle down to enter.  
That had been one of the first tricks Nico had taught him. Years ago, when he could still fit in his blue pajama with the small dolphins and giraffes. When the only thing that had helped stop his racing thoughts was to let Lino in at night, let him lie down next to him. When he had been the only one who could remotely bring feelings of peace back inside his heart.  
They had a code. A code only for them. Normally his door was always a bit ajar.  
When it was closed though, all Lino needed to hear was his name and he would come in to comfort him.  
His paws clicked on the wooden floor. He was panting. The sound alone made his heart jump a little with the first positive emotion of today.  
Lino jumped up, curled into a ball and put his head on his rips.  
It eased the stinging headache. Made the warm, heavy air a bit more breathable.

 

"I didn't know if you wanted him in here so I left the door closed."  
He didn't flinch when he heard his mother's voice. He hadn't even heard her come in.  
"Why are you not at work?" he asked, avoiding his mother's gaze, staring down at his hands.  
"It is 6 pm. I just got back."  
Why did he think closing his eyes would help? Would that help him escape the situation?  
Would it spare him him from the embarrassment?  
It never did.  
It made it all dark, though. And that was more bearable than seeing how he broke his mother's heart.  
The mattress dipped when she sat on the bed.  
"I will get you something to drink, okay?"  
With that, he heard the voices again. Insulting him, laughing at him for ruining her night.  
He couldn't hold back the tears when she returned and put a glass of water on the nightstand. He couldn't stop them when she sat down next to him, gently pulling the blanket down and wrapping him in a tight hug.  
His brain told him to resist. To escape her touch. To not show her how much he was hurting, but his muscles were exhausted. He felt numb, hanging in her arms like a lifeless corpse.  
Except that he was trembling. Sobbing while the tears drenched her blouse.  
His body didn't feel like his own. The tears didn't feel like his own.  
Was he even awake? Maybe it was all a dream.  
Only that he could sense it was getting difficult to breathe, his brain suddenly jolting awake. His lungs drawing in raspy breaths of stale, gross air.  
"I am here, Niccolò. I love you."  
And all I do is cause you suffering. All I do is made you sad, all I do is bring you down.  
"You don't have to apologize. I love you. I love you so much." she said as if she could read his mind.  
"Want to tell me what it is?" she whispered, kissing his scalp when he had stopped shaking and there were no more tears left to cry.  
"Everything." he said.  
And nothing. All at once and nothing at all.  
"Do you want me to call him?"  
Oh, Marti.  
What would he give to feel his arms around him right now. His shallow breath on his cheeks. Telling some silly story. Taking him away from this place and returning stronger together.  
Maybe reading him his favorite book.  
But did he deserve him? Did he deserve someone as loving and caring as Martino?  
Marti shouldn't have to spend his evenings in a dark room under a blanket of sadness and guilt.  
"He would love to see you, Nico. He loves you. Let me call him."  
He gave a weak nod.  
His eyes fell on the water glass when she had left the room to get the phone.  
Somewhere in his stomach he felt the urge to gulp it down, to get up, drink liters over liters from the tap until there was no water left in the pipe.  
But he didn't.

 

"Hey."  
The softness of Marti's voice was enough to make him tremble again. He didn't fight the tears this time. Not anymore.  
"I love you, Marti. I love you." he was choking the words out. Snot trickling down his chin. All his walls came crumbling down and he was lying there unable to fight it.  
"I can't do this without you,Marti."  
He felt him climb in bed, wrap an arm around him and kiss his neck.  
Holding him so tight it put all the broken pieces of his heart back together.  
"I am here now Ni, I am right here with you and I'm not going anywhere."  
Marti pressed small kisses on Nico`s neck, gently caressing his hair. "Do you want me to tell you a story? It's about a giraffe."  
"About a giraffe?"  
"Actually, it`s about two giraffes. Two giraffes in the savannah that wanted to go to the Cape of Good Hope to see dolphins. One day, the older giraffe Nico and his friend Marti left the safety of their group to embark on their adventure. They walked for miles and miles under the scorching sun. They only stopped when they needed to still their thirst. Marti had never been so far away and he was a bit afraid to try something new. He felt safe with Nico, though. He looked up to his friend who had dark patches instead of light brown and around his neck was a red string that was apparently a remainer of his time in captivity that he never talked about. At night, at their campfire, when they were chewing on leaves, he would stare in the fire and be very sad. Marti knew something was wrong but he couldn't quite figure out what it was. As the journey went on, they learned a lot about each other. Marti started to understand Nico and was able to cheer him up when the older one was feeling a little down.  
But some nights, they just sat underneath the stars, heads on each others shoulders not saying a single world. And so they finally reached the Cape of Good Hope."  
"Did they find the dolphins?" Nico asked quietly.  
"They found more dolphins than they could even count, but do you wanna know what the most important thing was that they found on this journey?"  
Nico nodded.  
"They," Marti began kissing Nico's collarbone, "found", another kiss , "the ", he kissed his chin,"love for each other and that was more important than everything else."  
Nico kissed him back on the nose and put his head against Marti's chest, trying to listen to his heartbeat. "You should write a book about the two giraffes." he mumbled, closing his eyes again.  
"I should and it will have Gio as some old porcupine that is our guru, like in The Lion King."  
"I don't think we watched the same Lion King. The guru wasn't a porcupine."  
"No?"  
"No."  
"Well, in my story he is a porcupine and you are the prettiest giraffe in all of Africa."  
Marti hummed softly, "The best person in my life, Ni."  
And with that the world slowly started to spin again and maybe it would all be okay in the end.

**Author's Note:**

> sooooo, ummm I recently found out that I have Borderline Personality Disorder (Bpd) just like Nico.  
> That basically explains why I could never understand my feelings and why I have always felt like something is "off"  
> and why I feel like I don't know who I am.  
> It also explains why I feel this strong connection to Nico...  
> Of course, everyone experiences things differently but writing about him and Marti is a bit like therapy, it really helps. 
> 
> I have also been to South Africa to fulfill my dream to see the Cape of Good Hope and wild dolphins and it has been the most magical trip of my entire life :-)) 
> 
> I hope you liked it <3 comments and kudos are appreciated
> 
> Ps: a huge grazie mille to Chiara, who is an angel and helps me a lot <3


End file.
